It's been a long time since a rock n roll!

I keep thinking over and over that I want to pour my heart out in a blog. I got plenty to say but not the cojoines to actually get it out. How drunk do I have to be to let it out. ahh. arg! not drunk now, just blue. very blue.

I'm not good enough. I'm NOT. but it doesn't matter at all, it really doesn't. this is an accident. it's all an accident! we're just evolution; a virus with shoes. I've always kind of known this but it's more clear to me now.

ahh shit. life is swell enough. it really is! I'm generally happy. I'm really not angry. may be bitter. Getting over Tiffany is proving to be the hardest thing. I can not stop loving her. I can not stop comparing every girl to her and every one comes up short. It's stupid; we're not meant to be. She doesn't understand small sacrifices. But I just can't stop loving her even though we've not spoken in months... terrible.

you know how when someone gets shot or there's a huge wound or injury, they can't actually FEEL the pain. the brain shuts it off so the human can function and therefore live on. that's how this is. I shut off the pain. didn't feel it and had to move on. so maybe that's why it lingers... but the truth is she's the most special girl.... no one like her at all... no more. I'm done; toast.

I DJed a wedding tonight for some good friends. It was very satisfying... I may have some potential jobs out of it.. and to be honest, I really should think about fucking DJing weddings and stuff like that more. I'm gettng to be the age where I can do that shit... I really could do that shit in my sleep if I buckled down, practiced and WORKED>... then I could make the bucks I need to get the fuck outta this stupid country for good!

 Not that I think anyone really reads my blogs them or anything... I know a few do and you know who you are. I believe the majority of people that happen  here for whatever reason just kind of look at the pictures and skim over long, wordy paragraphs like this to see if there's any mention of scandal or gossip. Sex! Drugs! See? you looked.

 Next month it will be a full year since I left Thailand. I keep trying to understand once and for all what really happened to me. Was it was ultimately a good or bad decision to move there? The whole experience of going there was overwhelmingly positive: I found out things I never knew about myself, I met some the greatest f**king people on Earth and always had fun even when times were tough. But the downside of my trip was unfortunately my return home. Even though I've been happy to see my family, friends, and the State I love, I saw the state of things here in the USA very clearly for what they've become since 2000 and it ultimately depresses me because things aren't going to change for the better.

 I also made it difficult on myself trying to live here without DJing. I just was never really ready to go back to the clubs until recently. I remembered that I loved DJing and I'm damn good at it, so I'm now back one hundred percent. It's going to have to be way I make the cheese I need to settle my debts, save for a few years, and end up back in Thailand to live the rest of my days... maybe. I'm going to leave that decision to where my life is after I settle and save. But it's a goal of mine to return to Thailand and I will be back come hell or high water, even if only on holiday.

 There's other stuff I want to write about but can't quite think of it right now.

 Oh, I'm completely MySpace crazy right now. Totally insane... I thought my interest was fading, but it's quite the opposite. It's still the greatest site on the web right now. I wonder how long it's going to last, and what the next internet hot spot will be. You Tube is looking good too, in fact I'm going to put up a few more videos soon.

 Random fact: when I light candles in the room I am ten times more productive and creative. I realize now that it's no mere coincidence that as soon as I burned all my candles away, I stopped producing my website. I gotta buy me more candles.

Guys are morons... it's so true. I really feel for girls sometimes at how utterly STUPID so many guys are.

 I've got so many ideas in my head these days. And I have to admit that the drive to make money is what's fueling them... it's just gotta be that way.

Countries and territories of the world, ranked according to how many other states their citizens can visit without requiring a visa. The list is from a study compiled by Henley & Partners AG of Zurich.

1. Finland, 130.
(tie) Denmark, 130.
(tie) United States, 130.

4. Germany, 129.
(tie) Ireland, 129.
(tie) Sweden, 129.

7. Britain, 128.
(tie) France, 128.
(tie) Italy, 128.
(tie) Japan, 128.

11. Belgium, 127.
(tie) Norway, 127.
(tie) Spain, 127.
(tie) Switzerland, 127.

15. Netherlands, 126.

16. Austria, 125.
(tie) Canada, 125.
(tie) Luxembourg, 125.
(tie) New Zealand, 125.

20. Portugal, 123.

21. Singapore, 122.

22. Australia, 120.
(tie) Greece, 120.
(tie) Iceland, 120.
(tie) Malaysia, 120.

26. Liechtenstein, 116.

27. South Korea, 115.
(tie) Malta, 115.

29. Cyprus, 113.

30. Hong Kong, 110.

31. Chile, 109.
(tie) San Marino, 109.

33. Monaco, 108.

34. Poland, 106.

35. Slovenia, 105.

36. Israel, 104.

37. Argentina, 101.
(tie) Brunei, 101.
(tie) Hungary, 101.

40. Andorra, 99.
(tie) Brazil, 99.
(tie) Uruguay, 99.

43. Czech Republic, 98.
(tie) Mexico, 98.

45. Slovakia, 97.

46. Costa Rica, 95.

47. Lithuania, 94.

48. Venezuela, 92.

49. Estonia, 91.
(tie) Latvia, 91.

51. Vatican City, 87.

52. Croatia, 84.

53. Bolivia, 83.
(tie) Bulgaria, 83.

55. Guatemala, 82.
(tie) Panama, 82.
(tie) Paraguay, 82.

58. El Salvador, 81.

59. Honduras, 80.

60. Nicaragua, 75.

61. Romania, 73

62. Barbados, 71.
(tie) Bahamas, 71.
(tie) Macau, 71.

65. Trinidad and Tobago, 66.

66. South Africa, 65.

67. St.Vincent and Grenadines, 64.

68. St.Lucia, 63.
(tie) Antigua and Barbuda, 63.

70. St. Kitts-Nevis, 62.

71. Grenada, 60.

72. Belize, 58.

73. Jamaica, 57.

74. Solomon Islands, 54.

75. Guyana, 53.
(tie) Gambia, 53.

77. Dominica, 52.
(tie) Mauritius, 52.
(tie) Seychelles, 52.
(tie) Turkey, 52.

81. Lesotho, 51.

82. Tuvalu, 50.

83. Kiribati, 49.
(tie) Western Samoa, 49.

85. Botswana, 48.
(tie) Malawi, 48.

87. Fiji, 47.
(tie) Sierra Leone, 47.
(tie) Vanuatu, 47.

90. Kenya, 46.
(tie) Maldives, 46.
(tie) Swaziland, 46.
(tie) Tonga, 46.

94. Ghana, 45.
(tie) Zambia, 45.

96. Nauru, 44.

97. Taiwan, 42.

98. Ecuador, 41.
(tie) Namibia, 41.
(tie) Papua New Guinea, 41.
(tie) Peru, 41.
(tie) Tanzania, 41.
(tie) Zimbabwe, 41.

104. Suriname, 40.

105. Kuwait, 39.
(tie) Mauritania, 39.
(tie) Uganda, 39.

108. Bahrain, 38.
(tie) Mali, 38.
(tie) Tunisia, 38.

111. Guinea, 37.
(tie) Ivory Coast, 37.
(tie) Niger, 37.
(tie) Qatar, 37.
(tie) Senegal, 37.

116. Benin, 36.
(tie) Cape Verde, 36.
(tie) Marshall Islands, 36.
(tie) Oman, 36.

120. Burkina Faso, 35.
(tie) Nigeria, 35.
(tie) Russia, 35.
(tie) Togo, 35.
(tie) United Arab Emirates, 35.

125. Guinea-Bissau, 33.
(tie) Micronesia, 33.
(tie) Philippines, 33.

128. Belarus, 32.
(tie) Colombia, 32.
(tie) Palau Islands, 32.
(tie) Serbia-Montenegro, 32.
(tie) Ukraine, 32.

133. Liberia, 31.
(tie) Macedonia, 31.
(tie) Saudi Arabia, 31.

136. Morocco, 30.

137. Indonesia, 29.
(tie) Moldova, 29.
(tie) Thailand, 29.

140. Azerbaijan, 28.
(tie) Bangladesh, 28.
(tie) Central African Republic, 28.
(tie) Georgia, 28.
(tie) Kazakhstan, 28.
(tie) Kyrgyzstan, 28.

146. Armenia, 27.
(tie) Chad, 27.
(tie) Congo Brazzaville, 27.
(tie) Cuba, 27.
(tie) Tajikistan, 27.

151. Cameroon, 26.

152. Bosnia and Herzegovina, 25.
(tie) Dominican Republic, 25.
(tie) India, 25.
(tie) Madagascar, 25.

156. Egypt, 24.
(tie) Gabon, 24.
(tie) Mongolia, 24.
(tie) Uzbekistan, 24.

160. Algeria, 23.
(tie) Rwanda, 23.

162. Haiti, 22.
(tie) Mozambique, 22.
(tie) Sao Tome and Principe, 22.
(tie) Sri Lanka, 22.

166. East Timor, 21.
(tie) Jordan, 21.

168. Comores Islands, 20.
(tie) Equatorial Guinea, 20.
(tie) Eritrea, 20.
(tie) Laos, 20.
(tie) Nepal, 20.

173. Angola, 19.
(tie) Bhutan, 19.
(tie) Djibouti, 19.
(tie) Libya, 19.
(tie) Turkmenistan, 19.

178. Burundi, 18.
(tie) China, 18.
(tie) Ethiopia, 18.
(tie) North Korea, 18.
(tie) Vietnam, 18.
(tie) Yemen, 18.

184. Albania, 17.
(tie) Cambodia, 17.
(tie) Lebanon, 17.
(tie) Pakistan, 17.
(tie) Sudan, 17.

189. Congo, 16.
(tie) Syria, 16.

191. Iraq, 15.
(tie) Myanmar, 15.
(tie) Somalia, 15.

194. Iran, 14.

195. Afghanistan, 12.